Don't you hate that feeling of KNOWING that someone is looking at you.

I do.
Even if it’s a super adorable boy.

So, I had to fill out a bunch of papers for Fire in the Night, and take them to this office and that office blah blah blah.  And IHOP is so uber-unorganized it’s silly! But yeah, so I had filled out one paper that needed to go to the registrar, and I took it there, and the lady (who is not the registrar, but just a TA) was like “Oh, Steven Venable has to sign off on this first.  He’s teaching the class that’s going on right now, you should try to find him first.” So I went back down the stairs (and I have to explain that this was in the main auditorium of FSM…which is a church more or less, and it has a big stage and chairs, and then along the back wall are sort of big steps/bleacher type things, and up those are offices, including the one I was going to. So I had walked up beachers, where people were sitting, so in the middle of them, because their class was just starting.)
But by the time I got down the stairs again (and they’re big wide seats, so it’s not like it’s easy to walk up and down them) Steven was on stage starting class (a class of like 150 people) so I couldn’t really talk to him.  SO then I walked ALL THE WAY BACK UP THE BLEACHERS, again, and the lady was like “Oh, well, you could probably get mary beth to sign off, and then I’ll give it to Steven.”
So I had to go BACK to the downstairs offices to find Mary Beth (who I was JUST meeting with…) and have her ok the paper, and THEN GO BACK UP THE STUPID bleachers.
That stupid story is to say I awkwardly climbed up & down the bleachers three times, and had to squeeze by people who were sitting there having class, and I noticed the whole time I was doing this the cute boy who wears cardigans all the time from the GPR is sitting at the top of the bleachers and has been really obviously watching me scurry back and forth with my papers.
And I didn’t want to be a creep and stare back.
But I could feel it.  And I saw him doing it too.  He wasn’t even being subtle about the staring.

Ugh.

that was a dumb story.  I don’t know why I told you.

I'm pretending I'm not in Kansas City.

It's hard sometimes, not to be home.  Like today.  I don't know why, but I don't want to do anything, but it would be nice to at least do nothing in Florence.  That sounds silly, but my mom, my grandma, my dog, my starbucks, my library (bleh, but still), my mall, my friends are there.  They are.  And that's nice.
Because here I am in Kansas City, and I don't even have anyone to talk to really.
I mean, of course my roommates are here, but they don't talk like me, and if we aren't doing something there's not a lot to talk about.  I want to talk to someone about nothing, or about somethings.  I'm feeling down and I just need to talk.
I don't know what about (or, I do...) but I don't want to cry.
And I don't want to sound silly.
I just want to talk.

I haven't been sleeping well. That is, until I fall asleep in the middle of the day for ten hours after I haven't been able to sleep four nights in a row (that happened yesterday and the day before.  I slept enough for the whole week that I had barely slept.)

I was reading my old xanga today, and I decided I would try to write here all the time, like I said I would.
Even if I don't have anything to say.
so there you go, because I really don't have anything to say.

Moleskins part two & three.

The following are out the next Moleskin I bought...It appears to be from where the last one left off (end of summerish 2008) through March 2009.

"MONDAYS ARE RUINED FOREVER."

"Thanks, John Shaft, for everything you've done for my life.  Which is a lot."

"Why are you so nice and cute and have a beard? It's distracting.  I'll miss you." (I have NO idea who that is about, I'm not kidding.)

"I have a crush on Stuart Murdoch, I don't care that he is old and ugly."

"Damn it, Jim."

"Verizon Guy, you're even pretty with a hangover.  Poor Adrick, you are not."

"I just waited on someone who looked dead on Toby from the Office.  Toby from the Office really loves White Chocolate Mochas, we just talked about it."

"I'm a hangover doctor today! Three people have told me this! Good for me? Doesn't matter, hungover people tip hella good."

"I wish [name] wasn't so flighty, and that he would remember and not treat me so indifferently.  I wish that [other name] was still considerate of me.  And I wish that [other other name] could ever legitimately like me.  More than a friend.  Even though that is the gayest statement ever."

"ARGH. YOU. AGAIN."

"so mewithoutyou is really good? really really really good? so is the office, and sondre lerche talking about cooookies on youtube, and ira glass touring boarders, and toothpaste for dinner...I think I'm going to just marry the internet.  I love it more than anyone else."

"I can't wait to see all the bands at midpoint! Cool Hand Luke! Turnbull! Seedy seeds....[stopped halfway through writing it] JK NO ONE WILL GO WITH ME."

"I have a huge crush on Erlend Oye.  I just thought I'd let someone know, I just thought of it." (this is the greatest thing ever.)

"J'ai FAIM."

"Fantastic news! I just saw Stephen! Not fantastic! I was kidding!!"

"The most beautiful Israeli man I've ever seen just talked to me.  I will never forget this moment." (except for...I did.)

"I just had a customer from New Zealand; he was funny and asked me to guess where his accent was from.  I had no clue, and didn't want to not guess so I guessed New Zealand.  He was amazed, because I was right, he asked me how I knew.  I lied and said it wasn't based on anything I just guessed.  I actually knew because he sounded like Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, but I didn't want to offend the guy."

"Wait, uh, you didn't get the memo did you? oh...that's embarrassing.  Yeah, it's actually not 1996 anymore, and rockabilly really isn't very cool anymore...Yeah, nice shirt though."

"John Cabrera who is Brian on Gilmore Girls just emailed me on myspace.  How weird."  (This isn't that weird, because he talks to me on twitter all the time, and reblogs me on tumblr a lot. Ha ha.  I forget that I used to think he was famous.)

"EVERYONE SUCKS!"

"I like the medicine.  It was making me feel better.  But now...Now I feel worse."

"Aw, so there's a cute boy at macy's home.  he was nice to me.  Aw.  I'm so pathetic.  Like a puppy."

"This is most likely rooted in a Ryan Adams' song, but, I really have a thing for people calling me 'Darlin' unless they are a creeper."

"So, I had a dream last night.  And in my dream, I lived in Norway (or, what seemed like Norway in my dream, since I've never actually been to norway.)  And I living in a little log house, near a lake.  And then in my dream I was married to Erlend Oye...and that kind of startled me, because I really had no warning of it.  And he had quit music, he only made music for me, and just produced other people's albums and worked in a cafe, because he had a lot of money from his money making days.  We wanted to have kids and teach them to speak english and norwegian and play guitar.  So then my dream zoomed forward and we had a lot of blonde children, and we moved to the alps and lived in a chateau on a mountain side.  It was a really nice...dream, so to speak.  Which was weird, because I had cried myself to sleep.
That's what happens when sad music makes you happy."

"I just got given a present from the tall israeli guy... a ramen packet.  He thinks that "cheekeen powder" is gross in spaghetti.  I don't know what to do with it... I mean, wait, keep it forever because he is the cutest human being ever."

"I'm so glad there is a 'that's what she said' app for blackberry AND iphones now!"

"I imagine my husband will be blonde and tall...my mom thinks he will be blonde, but a shorter version of someone who is like 'brian without a beard'... I have a feeling my mom has a particular person in her mind. THAT'S GREAT, THANKS FOR THAT ONE."

"Aw, the bald one is so nice.  Too bad he is bald, his flirtations aren't even affecting me at all."

"I want to grow up, and know that I am loved.  I want to be loved by my Father, loved by my family.  And I am, I am loved."

"Dave Clark is a freaking idiot.  And I hate him."

And then, I didn't have one that I wrote in for awhile.  Mostly just kept a work schedule in it...Ha ha.
The first one was really good though.

Moleskins.

I keep real journals, in real notebooks, where I keep all my day to day (mostly) thoughts and goings ons.
Then, I have moleskin journals; I carry them around with me all the time, wherever I am, work, church, ect.  I used them for all sorts of things.  Sometimes I take notes at church or school, or I just write single lines, lists, or paragraphs of whatever is on my mind at the time.  Usually of no consequence.
But, the moleskins are the most interesting.
Here's a few selections from old moleskins that are actually closer to telling about me than my regular organized journals.

"(stop being an ass.)"
- first page of my moleskin that I kept from june 2007 through july 2008, the following quotes are from that journal.
 (it used to take me a long time to fill one up.)

"You're so shallow.  I know you know it.  But, sometimes I wish you could see it from my point of view (three lines of scribbled out words) you know I feel like shit too."

"Feeling loads better.  Need to keep this up.  Not the choppy sentences, lacking defined subjects, but the feeling better.  Need to stay focused.  Really truly."

"I hate losing faith in people."

"there is an asian boy sitting next to me at school; he is listening to Percy Grainger on his laptop, rather loudly."

"I didn't want to say anything, but I thought you two should date.  You're cuter, and saner, I just think something is wrong with him...Now I know there is." (a quote I wrote down, aimed towards me, by Sara Ailshire. Summer 07)

"I need to explain, I want to.  But I can't."

"I love that I absolutely forget what I'm talking about in here all the time."

"sometimes you're so... like you might love me.  other times, most times, real life times, you don't.  and that's okay, I promise.  But, stop, stop doing those things, just be honest.  Come on now, you've been killing me for years."

"I should've moved to Kansas City when I had the chance. Damn."

"This entire journal is just forgets, and love notes...to people who aren't aware of my existence."

"STAMP OF APPROVAL!"

"I freaking love Ryan Adams so freaking much. Argh."

"All over print hoodies hurt my eyes with their ugliness."

"I have never been so attracted to someone in my ENTIRE LIFE.  That's gross." (don't read into that one too much, ha ha.)

"black sweater, black sweater, black sweater, black sweater....ahhhhhhhhhhhh. wear it everyday."

"Fred said "...You always look thin."  Fred is full of shit.  I told him so."

"Screw it, I give up, why pretend anymore....I REALLY LIKE VAMPIRE WEEKEND."

"Okay, I see how it is.  Don't talk to me anymore.  Fine.  I know you love me though.  Kyle get out of here, you asshole, you're ruining my chances at happiness." (ha ha ha ha...)

"one time, there was a ceramic taco on the floor of the band room; then sara broke it.  reguardless, it was strange."

"my eye has been twitching for a freaking week.  this blows."

"I think that Gorgey Matt is a proper princess, good for ...him."

"I bought some running shoes, and I am a freaking jerk."

"Boris is my russian friend.  He is the best russian friend I've ever had."

"Pet sounds...is so good."

"STUPID ASS WENDY'S FULL OF CRAP AND OTHER BAD WORDS."

"Blake Sennet was Jenny Lewis's first boyfriend; I thought this was important to know."

"Why am I an asshole?"

"Mr. Dude, let's run away together.  Don't tell Matt.  It's all a dream."

"I love love love love love you Will Sheff.  You're awesome."

"Plan for semester one of college: Buy an ipod."

"NO! STOP! COME HERE! I'M SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I kind of want to jump your bones, this is wrong, forget I ever said it."

"There are only 410 movies I need to see before I die...according to that book."

"I miss Uri."

"Lust is bad, don't do it."

"And all I want is an ipod...and a boyfriend."

"jkjkjkjkjkjkjk....obviously!"

"I wonder how well they can see me...oops."

"Matt Hales is beautiful.  I love Aqualung.  Simon Woods gay.  How stupid."

"Chan Marshall is running for president? huh?"

"YOU MAKE ME SO MAD WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?"

"Verizon guy's name is NOT Michael Roberts, kthnx kt."

"Mickey is such a freaking idiot.  So is Dave... Why do I work with the hugest idiots EVER?"

"Contrary to my own belief even, I don't actually want him to get hurt.  Though, I do believe he deserves it.  I care immensely for his well being, or lack there of.  And I think somewhere deep down he would say the same thing for me.  Though, probably not so eloquently."

"Someone please punch me in the face."

"I wish you weren't so stupid all the time...Fred."

"Will Sheff, let's get married and make kind of asiany looking babies.  It'll be cool."

"Can I borrow your Kroger plus card?... or maybe just your phone number will work too?--greatest pick up line anyone has ever used on me.  I let him use the card."

"Don't eavesdrop on me, Verizon guy...I mean, wait, no go right on ahead."

"OH WELL. OH WELL. OH. WELL."

"I'll be better when I wake up in the morning."

"Stephen? For the love of God, I hope that's not it."

"AHA. CHRIS."

"you should've been on a date with ME, not that girl with the really ugly hair.  I am SO much cuter. AND I like good music, books, films, ect, and I love Jesus.  I am WAY more interesting, I BET.  Damnit."

"I hate tuesdays and thursdays...with...ev...ery....FI...BERRR....OF MY BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every. Single. One. Every Fiber. Every Tuesday.  Everything Thursday.  Every one."

"JIMMY BRAAAADY." (? ha ha.)

"Jimmy Brady looks like Pygar from Barbarella.  Ha ha ha ha."

"Come get yo' cooooffeee. At the beanery! Our coffee only partially sucks!!"

"I love pens."

"AT&T guys are super skanks."

"I hope you get cancer or herpes....no I don't."

"Today I hate mall walkers.  Today is everyday."

"Matt Slocum looked exactly how I imagined he would look, and I was like 'Whoa, how did I know that? He doesn't look like he does in pictures?' I kind of thought I was prophetic or something.  And then I remembered, freaking duh, I met Matt Slocum last year, so clearly I've seen him before."

"Minus the Bear??? Ohhhhhh DANNNNNNG."

"What do the Cincinnati Bell dudes have stuck up their...don't answer that."

"He drives a SAAB? Dear Lord Father God is Heaven."

"Well, go me.  I look cute in boots."

"Jeff from AT&T takes picture of kids on leashes and his phone is full of said pictures, he thinks it's funny.  He just told me this."

"I love beards, I love the idea of something to hold on to. - Jane...that doesn't even make sense, but I agree."

"I chew ice."

"I HATE THE LIBRARY AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR, INCLUDING LITERACY."

"I love watching Jimmy and G-rod check out girls, it cracks me up how big of douches they are."

"Babies. Babies. Babies?"

"I hate you most of the time, I don't understand you ever.  This is the end of the book."

So, I was pathetic at first...And then I started working at the beanery.

I got so much to give, you gotta release me...

So, I realized that I've moved away from home.  I'm buying my own groceries.  I'm sick and I'm nursing myself... to more sickness... but that's besides the point.  The point is, I am kind of growing up.  I'm realizing there's nothing wrong with moving on, that there's some validity in living not where you grew up.  Not everyone is my parents, I'm not my parents.  And I guess I just thought I should be.  Now, I'm not saying I'm never going to live there again, in Florence, or even in Cincinnati, I'm just saying, I don't have to.  And for the first time in my life that's okay.  I'm starting to realize that I can do what I want to do, not what I think I should do (which, is to say, I need to do the right thing, but I don't necessarily have to not do something because it's too hard.  Or I'm too scared.)
I'm done being scared, and I'm ready to be myself... How corny am I. Seriously. Seriously.  I'm super corny.
But that's not the point I'm trying to make.  I'm trying to say, there's nothing wrong with wanting something.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend this season of my life in Kansas City, praying, and pressing in to God.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to start a music zine and go to shows, and write about it.  (heck, in the age of blogs?)
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to get married.
And there's nothing wrong with being scared, as long as it doesn't give you anxiety attacks and prevent you from functioning and puts you on medication.
I'm getting over it.

btw, been sick, think about me when you pray.  or, better, pray for me.  I need to get out of this funk.

Pomegranates.

It's raining outside and it is cold.  I am sitting in my living room, in the empty house, thinking about being at home and Christmastime.  Not seriously though, just in passing.
Things have been okay this past week.  My mind is occupied on crushes on boys and the future and going home for thanksgiving; mostly though, on how good God is, and how happy I am about that.
My lovely (lovely is a proper descriptor, they have different forms of British accents, lovely is a proper British word) small group leaders, Wes and Carol Hall blessed me this week with a coat! A coat! Which is the greatest because it is so cold.
It's not super flattering, but it is very warm and not hideous.
It was the greatest.

Um.  I lost my train of thought.
I got a coat.
ENTRY FIN.

Ahhhhghhsdklfjalsdfj.

Sometimes I wish that people who just go away.  I love 'um, I really do.  But sometimes I just get so sick of people, and I just wanna hang out with Jesus.

Today was a good day.
But, I just feel worn out by things.
It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

Talk to you all soon.

the comeback!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (aka-I hope you can read past the parentheticals phrases that are a little overpowering)

I am usually not a lover of the many explanation points (three is always more than enough,) but I am using that tactic this morning to illustrate the fact that I'm drinking so much coffee, and I'm awake and ready to go (where, I don't know, because I don't even have class this morning) at six am.

You might be wondering, if you know me at all, why am I up at six am? Or, ready BY six am, therefore up BEFORE six am.  Well, that is a totally good and valid question; the answer is, I'm not sure if I slept at all.  I mean, my eyes were closed for awhile, but I don't know if I would call it sleep.  My mind was awake, but not in a dreamy way.  So I'm just going to say I've been up for like...Eh, I don't know, not twenty fours...maybe, like twentyish hours? 19? 17 at the least.  Don't remember when I really woke up yesterday (which feels like today when there isn't anything to separate the days. Anyway, there I go making two sentences' worth of thought into twenty.

How's everyone?

I'm well.  Good, even.  It's GBF (global bridegroom fast--though, I doubt that helps anyone too much,) week here at good ol' not pancakes IHOP (you get that right? so I don't have to clarify anymore?) so no classes this week.  Just extra prayer room hours and an extra paper or two to write.  But no classes is nice, on any other day than today, I would mention the not having to get up so early, but I am up way earlier than ever getting up early would be today.  But, being GBF things are busier in their less busyness.  It's weird like that.

And in case anyone was wondering, I am not fasting.  I am currently eating toast.

Hm.  What things do I have to tell you?  Well, today, I am going to talk to Renae's boss at the daycare where she works about a once a week job.  It wouldn't be a lot of money, or a lot of hours, but anything helps.  I would be a preschool teacher, of sorts.  Which sounds fun, honestly, I think that kids that age are the cutest.

I have also been thinking very hard (and praying, heh heh) the past weekish or so about instead of going back to FSM next year (or, even semester, I don't know how that works really,) but to do the Fire in the Night internship.  It's a little bit more money, but I wouldn't have to pay rent, because my housing would be included.  So I'm not sure.  I have to pray more about it.

But, I'm having a hard time really getting into things here, because I don't have to be.  I have to go to class, and have to go to the prayer room, but those are really individualistic things.  I don't have to be friends with anyone, I don't have to develop a community with them if I don't want to.  And, surprise-surprise, I have a really really hard time with things like that.  I get nervous, and talk myself out of even trying to be friends with people, based on my own insecurities.  So, if I'm not in a situation in which I have to be social, I will not be social; but I'll suffer from it, terribly.  It's not a good thing.  Being part of an internship would put me in the situation in which I would be forced to participate, get to know the girls I'd live with, etcetera.  I don't know, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the best choice...  But you know, I'm not sure yet.  I need to talk with my parents and so on.  Pray for me though.

Um, I don't really have much else to say (but oh, I do, I just am not going to.)
I hope that you all are enjoying this morning, I know I am. :)

I look like forty five kinds of icky, and I may not make much sense, but there you go.