OH NO IT'S LIKE A WEEK INTO DECEMBER.

So, I pretty much have 19 days til Christmas (and so do you.)
I have to not only come up with money to buy things for my family.  I also have to come up with things that I want. UGH.
I love Christmas, and I like getting presents, and I really love getting them.
But I had a lot of money last year.  I have no money this year. None.
I also hate coming up with specific things for Christmas.  I never can come up with things to tell my mom.

I never update.  Sorry.

A good hair day.

I am in Kentucky this week, and I am just missing Kansas City.  It's a weird feeling.
It's not like I'm not very happy to be home, it's nice to see people, it's nice to be in familiar places, it's nice to sleep on a futon on the floor, it's nice to see my grandma and my dog.  I just realize not being there, I love Kansas City.  I love the freedom I have there, I love slowly becoming a part of the community of IHOP, and I'm anxious for the internship so that I can become part of the community truly.  I am anxious to get back home and go the student awakening meetings and to be within two minutes of the Global Prayer Room.  I realize that is where I want to be, IHOP, that's where I'm meant to be.  At least in this season.  And that feels pretty good.

It's cool Florence has a Chik-fli-a now though.

Things I've been thinking about

-crayons
-mac & cheese
-diet coke
-leaf piles
-drawings
-prolonged eye contact
-sweaters
-not needing to wear a sweater
-serious talks
-encountering the spirit
-dancing
-thinking about before
-Fire In the Night
-playing with the dog
-getting over it
-graphic design
-relevant podcast in my car
-beards
-wanting new shoes

Hm.

Today was really weird.  I don't know why, but it was really weird.
I got up really early, because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  After trying to read my bible, and trying to pray, and trying to relax and fall back asleep, I finally got up and went to the prayer room after renae was gone to work.  Then after being the prayer room for a few hours I went back home (because I was finally feeling tired again) I got back in my pajamas (it was around 10) and I fell asleep pretty much immediately.  Being that it is GBF I'm not really worried about it.  But, while I was asleep, I just kept having bad dream after bad dream, after bad dream.  I'd wake myself up out of one, just to fall asleep into another one.  It was weird.
Some of the dreams were like dark scary nightmares, and other ones were my typical bad dreams, the ones where everyone that I know decides to hate me, yell at me, rip me apart publicly.  Terrible dreams.  One of the dreams I dreamt that my Grandma Joanie died all over again, most of the events of the day were as they were in real life (you know, however long ago that was) except instead of me being at Festival like I was in real life, I was around for everything.  And instead of my grandma being in the hospital, she was at my house (which is where she lived at the time.)  It was miserable.
Another dream I was being kicked out of my house because my roommates decided they didn't like me anymore, which was a more ridiculous dream, but so real and terrible feeling.
Ugh.
I slept til two or something.
Then I woke up and it was super grey and gross out.  And I hate days like that.  I don't have a lot of gas, so I didn't feel like leaving (because there is really no where to go) so I listened to old relevant podcasts, and ate a salad and it wasn't very good.  Then I pretty much laid around, feeling weird and grumpy.
And now I've watched Gilmore Girls and Pushing Daisies and ate noodles and still feel weird.  I should probably go to bed early.  I don't know if I will.  But I should.

I hate when Torie and David are all whispery, it makes me uncomfortable.

Don't you hate that feeling of KNOWING that someone is looking at you.

I do.
Even if it’s a super adorable boy.

So, I had to fill out a bunch of papers for Fire in the Night, and take them to this office and that office blah blah blah.  And IHOP is so uber-unorganized it’s silly! But yeah, so I had filled out one paper that needed to go to the registrar, and I took it there, and the lady (who is not the registrar, but just a TA) was like “Oh, Steven Venable has to sign off on this first.  He’s teaching the class that’s going on right now, you should try to find him first.” So I went back down the stairs (and I have to explain that this was in the main auditorium of FSM…which is a church more or less, and it has a big stage and chairs, and then along the back wall are sort of big steps/bleacher type things, and up those are offices, including the one I was going to. So I had walked up beachers, where people were sitting, so in the middle of them, because their class was just starting.)
But by the time I got down the stairs again (and they’re big wide seats, so it’s not like it’s easy to walk up and down them) Steven was on stage starting class (a class of like 150 people) so I couldn’t really talk to him.  SO then I walked ALL THE WAY BACK UP THE BLEACHERS, again, and the lady was like “Oh, well, you could probably get mary beth to sign off, and then I’ll give it to Steven.”
So I had to go BACK to the downstairs offices to find Mary Beth (who I was JUST meeting with…) and have her ok the paper, and THEN GO BACK UP THE STUPID bleachers.
That stupid story is to say I awkwardly climbed up & down the bleachers three times, and had to squeeze by people who were sitting there having class, and I noticed the whole time I was doing this the cute boy who wears cardigans all the time from the GPR is sitting at the top of the bleachers and has been really obviously watching me scurry back and forth with my papers.
And I didn’t want to be a creep and stare back.
But I could feel it.  And I saw him doing it too.  He wasn’t even being subtle about the staring.

Ugh.

that was a dumb story.  I don’t know why I told you.

I'm pretending I'm not in Kansas City.

It's hard sometimes, not to be home.  Like today.  I don't know why, but I don't want to do anything, but it would be nice to at least do nothing in Florence.  That sounds silly, but my mom, my grandma, my dog, my starbucks, my library (bleh, but still), my mall, my friends are there.  They are.  And that's nice.
Because here I am in Kansas City, and I don't even have anyone to talk to really.
I mean, of course my roommates are here, but they don't talk like me, and if we aren't doing something there's not a lot to talk about.  I want to talk to someone about nothing, or about somethings.  I'm feeling down and I just need to talk.
I don't know what about (or, I do...) but I don't want to cry.
And I don't want to sound silly.
I just want to talk.

I haven't been sleeping well. That is, until I fall asleep in the middle of the day for ten hours after I haven't been able to sleep four nights in a row (that happened yesterday and the day before.  I slept enough for the whole week that I had barely slept.)

I was reading my old xanga today, and I decided I would try to write here all the time, like I said I would.
Even if I don't have anything to say.
so there you go, because I really don't have anything to say.